Sometimes We Must Stop Everything to Care for Ourselves

I disappeared from here for over a month. No it does not mean I stopped with anything ADF.  I have happily continued my meditation and trance work on a nearly daily basis.  I have continued to read and study. Each time I sit down with a book I enjoy it more. I have even made the decision to continue on until I become ordained clergy.  So, if I love the ADF and its studies so much, where did I go? Simple. My hands didn't want me to type.

Anyone who knows me or has read this blog knows I have health issues.  It is very frustrating to me, but I have come to terms with it.  Sometimes my hands swell so much or are in so much pain that typing is a nightmare.  I have had a lot of difficulty resting as much as needed.  I tend to push through the issues and try to ignore them. Of course, I always pay for it.

We live in a society that tells us to pretend we feel great and nothing is wrong.  Chronic illness is a weird little dirty secret.  I refuse to live like that.  I admit to my needs. People know what is up.  Of course I hear plenty that I am "trying to get attention." Ummm... no.  Speaking up for my needs is taking care of myself.  Needing a comfortable chair or something to drink when it's time for my meds has nothing to do with attention.  Yet that's how it is viewed.

I'm trying to take care of myself, so I willing say  --

Sorry I've been gone. I simply couldn't type.  I made the choice to take care of myself instead and now I feel much better BECAUSE of it.  I did what was right for me. I'm not telling people to go around being selfish, but ignore this awful stance in society. Take care of yourselves instead. Remember - we only have so many spoons to go around each day.

Virtues -- Wisdom

My definition of Wisdom is a combination of that from the ADF and the Merriam-Webster dictionary.  I see it as not only “good judgment”, but also knowledge gained by experience and an understanding of things that others do not have. There are many in our lives we can consider wise, but we must remember that there are many types of wisdom. My grandparents are wise in that they understand the secrets of the land.  I had a wise professor in college who taught us that no one is insignificant.  Everyone has a gift and they all have an important part in the world.  

I also find wisdom in our stories, such as the story of Fionn who gained great wisdom from tasting the Salmon of Knowledge. I see this as a reminder that wisdom can be found in any age, and can come from many sources or experiences. We can also look at Odin hanging from Yggdrasil from nine days and nights in order to gain the knowledge of the runes. In this case, we are shown that we must sacrifice in order to learn. Wisdom is not just given to us. We must fight for it and be willing to give up some part of our selves in order to gain it.  

Wisdom is perhaps the most important of the nine virtues. As I reviewed the virtues, I took a deep look at wisdom and realized that each of the others require wisdom in order to properly fulfill them. It is the foundation of the virtues, on which all other must stand. As for the triad, living a life with Wisdom allows us to better observe proper Piety and see with true Vision. These three form the internal aspects of ourselves and Wisdom binds them together.

I do my best to live my life with wisdom to make good choices.  Of course, like everyone else I have made bad choices in my life. The key is to acknowledge I did so, then spend serious time reflecting to see what I can learn from this bad choice. No matter how awful something is, there is always good that can come from it. We must look into them and learn, finding the wisdom in the moment.

Thoughts on the Virtues - Wisdom

Wisdom: good judgment, the ability to perceive people and situations correctly, deliberate about and decide on the correct response.

There are many in our lives we consider wise - teachers, religious leaders, family members, or even people in the public eye.  Saying that, there are many types of wisdom. My grandparents are wise in that they understand the land.  They know when change is coming, they understand what the growth of certain plants and trees in a place means.  They know where to find water.  They understand the relationships of insects and plants as well as companion planting.  They are wise in ways of the world - not the world of technology and advanced sciences, but the actual world Herself.

I once had a professor in college I considered very wise.  He is an anthropologist and had seen and done amazing things all over the world.  He learned from the people most ignored.  He studied with the village elders in remote Brunei about traditional ways and the histories of their people that were still passed down only in memories. He spent almost 10 years on an island in the south Pacific that no longer exists due to first a hurricane in the 70s and then flooding due to the rise of the oceans.  He learned all parts of these people's lives and has recorded a way of life that is now gone from our world. From him I learned that no one is insignificant. Everyone has a gift and they all have an important place in the world.  

From the Merriam-Webster dictionary --

• : knowledge that is gained by having many experiences in life
• : the natural ability to understand things that most other people cannot understand
• : knowledge of what is proper or reasonable : good sense or judgment

These definitions overall I can agree with, except for the first.  I have known young people who have great wisdom, and elders who don't seem to have any at all.  The rest I can basically agree with. My wording may be different, but the intent I can see. 

I also find wisdom in our stories and the stories of those who came before us. I focus on Celtic hearth, so I looked first at the story of Fionn and the Salmon of Knowledge. When young, he was sent to study with the poet Fineagas. They encountered the Salmon of Knowledge and cooked it knowing that whoever tasted it first would become wise and a great hero. Fionn was watching it cook while his teacher slept. Three drops of oil splattered on his thumb and he sucked it to stop the burn. This tiny taste  was enough and gave him the knowledge that his teacher had intended for himself.  I have heard different meanings for this story, but I see it as a reminder that wisdom can be found in any age, and also that knowledge can come from many sources and many experiences.  We never know what could become a moment that grants us a great deal.  That means we should embrace all experiences, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant.

We can also look at Odin hanging from Yggdrasil for nine days nad nights while pierced by a spear in order to gain the knowledge of the runes. In this case, we are shown that we must sacrifice in order to learn. Wisdom is not just given to us. We must fight for it and be willing to give up some part of our self in order to gain it.  The two stories together show us a great deal.  We must always be open to opportunities to gain wisdom, but at the same time, when that chance comes, we must understand that a sacrifice is expected. 

I am doing my best to live my life with wisdom and use this virtue to make good choices.  Of course, like everyone else I have made bad choices in my life.  I'm only human after all.  For me, the key has been to acknowledge I did so, then spend some serious time reflecting on what would have ACTUALLY happened if I had done things different (after all, situations tend to explode in our mind even if in truth it was fairly insignificant), and finally to see what I can learn from this bad choice. After all of that, I can finally look back at the whole thing and find the good that came from it.  No matter how awful something is, there is always good. Missing a job opportunity could lead to deepening a friendship that is worth more than anything. Getting very sick could lead to finally making yourself enjoy life in ways you had always put off.  My fibromyalgia and lupus have certainly taught me this last lesson. There are endless situations and good things that can and will happen. We cannot dwell. We must look into them and learn, finding the wisdom in the moment.

It is true that we all have a special time when wisdom strikes. For me, a major moment happened during initiation into a magical tradition. I prefer to keep the details to myself, but I can say that I suddenly could see clearly into my whole life as to who were friends and who were using me. I knew without a doubt I needed to divorce my husband.  I also knew that I was on the wrong spiritual path and would have to get back to my old way of Druidry. This supposedly "strongly-Druidic" version of Wicca wasn't at all Druidic and was actually taking me away from it. I realized that weekend that I had been misled by many in my life. This one unwise decision led to many that not only taught me wisdom, but changed my life for the better.  Thank goodness I went with my intuition!

Wisdom is perhaps the most important of the nine virtues, in my view.  No matter what else we do, wisdom is tied up in it.  As I reviewed the virtues, I first looked at them in the triads. Then I took a deeper look at wisdom and realized that each of the others require wisdom in order to properly fulfill them. This is the foundation of the virtues, on which all other must stand. After all, how can we live with Piety, see with Vision, act with Courage, live with Integrity, move with Perseverance, understand both sides of Hospitality, live with Moderation or understand the balance needed in Fertility without Wisdom?  As for the triad, living a life with Wisdom allows us to better observe proper Piety and see with true Vision. These three are for the internal aspects of life, and Wisdom binds them together.

Our Own Druidry: An Introduction to Ar nDraiocht Fein and the Druid Path (p. 62). Tucson, Arizona: ADF Publishing (2009).

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/wisdom

http://www.educationscotland.gov.uk/scotlandsstories/finnmaccoolandthesalmonofknowledge/salmonofknowledge/index.asp

Sometimes it all Comes Together - Why I am Called to the Order of the Dead

I have known for a long time that my spiritual path wasn't quite right.  I wasn't getting smacked upside the head by the Gods or anything - not until recently anyway - but I just Knew.  Most of that changed when I joined the ADF and started studying with them. Suddenly the things I believed my whole life made sense and I was with a spiritual people who agreed with my  view!  All the years I studied with Wiccans (because they were all I could find) I chafed at their explanations. They seemed close but not quite right.  Once I started to realize this and decided I had to find the right path, I was guided to the ADF and I could feel some of the pressure release.  My steps were finally getting onto the right path.

Yet still, I often felt like I was walked beside my path instead if on it.  Things changed a couple days ago.  I was in my online chat for the Dedicant Path students and while discussing the Ancestors, it came up that around here I could tell something wasn't right. They weren't mad exactly, more exasperated because I was missing the something.  Knowing myself, I had a feeling it was something obvious. It was. It came up that I spent several years of my life as a Forensic Anthropologist and during that time I began to feel that the Dead needed to be honored.  I was dealing mostly with the skeletal remains of Native Americans (over 1,000 years ago, so no tribal affiliation) and I always felt bad for them. All that time ago they had been cared for and buried with honor, but since the 1920's they have been wrapped up in newspaper and paper bags and stuck in boxes. All because we wanted a road to go through their burial place.

The Order of the Dead came up in this online conversation. THAT is when I felt the smack upside the head. Ah. Of course. Where else does a person who spent years literally working with the dead and trying to restore their honor belong? It didn't stop there.  That night, I was flooded with images of all the times over the past few years I had received messages that my path is with the Underworld.  Then yesterday morning I was reading my long-awaited copy of  Sacred Fire, Holy Well. I reached the part discussing Danu and Bel. That was when the last piece of the puzzle clicked into place. Finally, an explanation that made sense to me! I wanted to take some time thinking about it, but I keep feeling there is no need. I was just delaying the inevitable and I needed to get off my butt and do it.  So here I go. It is time to join the Order of the Dead. I can finally feel relief and pleasure from the ancestors around me.

Settling in with the Two Powers

I've been working with the Two Powers and adding it into my regular practice. I had thought it would be odd to add in, but I am discovering that I am far more balanced by including it.  For the first couple days, I tried the full long version but it didn't work. It was lovely, I enjoyed it, but it wasn't exactly right for me.  It is so strongly pushed that this is the most amazing meditation ever that I was surprised I didn't have a stronger reaction.  I finally realized my problem wasn't the meditation, but the way it is written.

I decided to try something different - I stopped with the audio file. No more listening to the way it is thought to be.  My mind has already absorbed the points, so instead I simply close my eyes and let my mind go through the steps on its own.  I can't adequately explain the difference quite yet.  The closest I can say is that I now actually feel the connection to the cosmos during this practice.  It goes from a simple way to ground and balance to a method of not only remembering just how amazing the cosmos is, but becoming a part of it.

I can't always take the time to go into this version of the meditation, but I discovered a short version in the Wheel study book that I love by Ceisiwr Serith:

The waters support and surround me.

The land extends about me.

The sky reaches out above me.

At the center burns a living flame.

This has become a sort of affirmation for me, It is short and sweet, yet a perfect way to quickly remind myself of the connection and give me a quick balancing check. I am going to memorize it so I can more easily use it and see how that goes. 

Release the Past to Move Forward

This entry has nothing to do with any of the requirements.  It's not insight on a book ar anything else I read. Instead, this is about something I realized today while talking with a friend.  

I mentioned before that I had been part of a very destructive group not long ago, but managed to escape. Yes, escape.  I don't use that word lightly either. Anyway, I was talking to a friend who had also been a part of this group. That is actually where I met her. She managed to get out too, but only by completely uprooting her life and moving several hours away.  Even then they tried to keep her dependent, but in the end, they simply tried to discredit her. I was stunned at the slander coming from them!  Knowing her as well as I do, I knew it was false and even got them to admit it. It happened at the same time as some other major red flags were waving. I knew I had to find a way out.

I eventually did, but only with the help of an elder who had also realized what the once shining group has collapsed into and become.  He gave me tips and stepped in to help me leave.  It was difficult, but I did it WITHOUT moving away. I was the first to manage that feat! Of course, their slander campaign against me was far worse, but people who know me realized it wasn't true. It is over a year later and they still start it up when my name is in the public eye or they run into me at the store, but that's ok. I can handle it.

Now to the point of this ramble. My friend was challenged in a writer community to a series of "letters not sent". The point is that by saying what you always needed to say to someone no longer in your life or maybe not even with us any longer it can be a big help to deal with the issues never resolved. I saw her blog of this particular letter.  It took only a few seconds to realize this one was for the man who led that other group, even though she left out the name and anything personally identifiable.  Only someone who knows what was going on could know to whom she was referring.

Reading her words, I agreed with them all. This letter could have been written by myself.  At the end, I realized she is still dealing with her issues and hadn't moved too far.  I thought about all the other people harmed by this man and how much they are still controlled by these wounds.  Then something amazing happened.... I realized that for the first time, while reading about what he did I was ok.  I didn't get worked up or angry. I just thought to myself "yep. that's all very true." No other emotion except hope that the letter would help her move on. 

Not long ago I posted about a card reading. I had expected a simple one card guidance, but instead ended up with four cards all telling me about entering the Underworld and dealing with my baggage so I could move on.  I had thought it would be longer before I would make any progress, but I was wrong. I do realize of course that there is plenty more work to be done, but this is a great accomplishment and it makes me even more optimistic.  It has taken a lot of tears and long talks before I could reach this place. It truly helps to see that I am moving on with my life and healing. 

Discovering the Two Powers & the Connection to Nature

Today was the first time I tried the Two Powers meditation. It has immediately become one of my favorite forms. Most meditations help me relax, focus, or feel healed.  This one instead made me feel connected in a way nothing else has. Not to mention, I am incredibly energized now.  For someone with chronic fatigue, that is a truly unusual state!  I can certainly understand now why this is the preferred method for so many people.

So what now? How does this affect my meditation practice? Well, I am always wanting to adapt it and change it over time.  This will absolutely be part of the mix and may well become a daily practice. Next time I will try the audio file on the ADF page. I wonder if someone else's voice will change how it affects me.  Sometimes different speakers lead me to experience meditations and journeys in  different ways. I know part of this experience for us to learn and grow.  I am happy to make some changes to my meditative practice. However, the Two Powers will not be my only change.

In another group I belong to, we were just introduced to another meditation that strongly resonated with me.  They called it "The Crystal Meditation".  In this method, you are meant to hold a crystal or other stone that you have a strong connection with and (if possible) sit outside with holding your stone in both hands.  Focus on the stone. Focus on its connection with everything around you.  Once you are comfortable with the web of connection, feel the tie it has with the smallest thing outside - an insect, a blade of grass, or something else entirely.  Once you can strongly feel the connection with your chosen bit of nature, feel a connection from it to something larger, such as a flower or a butterfly.  Keep going to progressively larger things.  I have stopped with my big willow tree, amd I have also kept going all the way to the ocean.  This meditation has helped me feel the tie to all the beings in nature far more strongly than any other meditation I have undertaken.

In a short time, I have learned two amazing new techniques to add to my practice. Both of them will greatly complement my work with the ADF and help me feel my connection with everything so much more strongly than ever before. I am very curious to see what changes this will lead to in my life. For now, it is time to explore the divination after this meditation.

When I do post-meditative divination, it is not meant to answer any kind of question.  It is instead simply a message from the universe or whoever I was working with as to something to think about or focus on in the near future.  I wait until afterward to find out what method calls to me.  This time, it was my enchanting new Druid Animal Oracle I had been waiting years to get.  It is still very new to me, but I absolute love the feelings I get from the cards. 

I normally end up with one card calling, or sometimes too.  I was shocked to have four want to be drawn!  First was Raven. Raven announces initiation which can also bring about deep healing from healing things long left buried.  This I have to say made me quite happy.  For several weeks now as I have dove deeper into the world that is the ADF and all the studies associated with it, I have had a feeling that it would change me in ways I did not expect. I could feel that I was finally healing from damage done by a group I left last year that was destructive, manipulative, and crossed some serious lines that I refused and led to me walking away.  It has been difficult to deal with those wounds, but these studies and the people I am meeting are all healing me to heal far more quickly than I thought possible after all this times.  Thank you Raven for your message!

Second was Hawk. Hawk helps bring perspective allowing one to free themselves from unnecessary baggage as well as helps to connect with the ancestors on a deeper level.  Again, a perfect messenger! The perspective is exactly what I was needing to help with the issue Raven brought up. As for the ancestors, I am connecting on a deeper level than I thought I would at this point in my studies.  It has always been easiest to focus on the Native American part of me since I am surrounded by it thanks to my family. but with my other grandpa now passed on, there is nothing left here close to me to help with the tie to the rest of them.  Now here I am, part of a Welsh Kin, I am learning about them and getting that tie to become strong.  Thank you Hawk for you gifts!

Third was Crane. Now I have a triad of birds.  Interesting... Of course, in the ADF Crane is well-known as a guide to the Underworld. It makes sense because for me to remove this old baggage and heal from those wounds, I knew I would have to travel to the Underworld.  That is simply part of my path and the Work I do.  Crane also brings with it patience and emerging from the Underworld with secret knowledge.  This again makes sense.  Only after having patience while working with these issues in the Underworld will I be able to be reborn not only as a new person, but with the knowledge I have been seeking as well as the understanding of where to go to continue learning.  Thank you Crane for your guidance!

Finally I draw Earth Dragon.  What a powerful messenger to have speak to me! This is the guardian of potential.  It seems that this journey to the Underworld will not only be what I need to finally move on from this part of my past, but it will also be what is needed to truly unlock what I wish to gain and to learn.  Thank you Earth Dragon for unlocking this door!

It seems I have a very difficult, yet very rewarding time ahead of me.  I now know what this "big thing" I've been feeling on the horizon is. I've been antsy lately, sort of like a person feels right before a big trip they've been planning and looking forward to a long time.  I feel like the door to the mountain is just before me and I can finally see Crane waiting to take me inside.  I suppose that means it is time. Here I go, off on my amazing journey.  I don't know who I'll be when I emerge, but I do know I will be even better than I have been before!

Finding My Nature Spot

Week Five in The Wheel of the Year program focuses on finding a nature spot.  This chapter actually confused me at first.  It may have been the first time it had ever occurred to me that not everyone already has one. My entire life whenever I would move to a new home one of the first thing I would do, even before getting unpacked, is to find my nature spot.  I can't imagine life without one. That is one thing that keeps me going.  No matter how sick I feel or how much pain I am in, I can always look out or sit in my special little spot that ties me to nature and feel better.

My current home has two main places, I would say.  When I can sit outside, I have a beautiful place set up with a swing and a fire pit. This little spot is in the back corner my mom's yard. It is full of many varieties of birds and frolicking squirrels.  From this little spot I can see into part of the front yard, the haven for our birds, the entire back yard, birds, squirrels, and the majority of the pasture. The beauty of the pasture is that it is only minimally contained. We had planned to let it grow free again this year, but there was a lot of fire danger a bit ago here, so we spent several nights burning it as we watched the sun go down and the gorgeous full moon rise above us.

My other nature spot is designed to enjoy while I am indoors.  I currently live in someone else's home, so I don't have the freedom I would in my own. Most of my time is spent in my room.  I have created a nature sanctuary outside my window and angled the dresser mirror so that I can watch my bird feeding station through the reflection in the mirror.  Other times, I can sit in front of this window and look out into a pasture that is full of local wildflowers, my beautiful willow tree, and often I see wild animals wandering around in this little piece of heaven.

It wasn't a matter of finding a nature spot. Instead, this was a point of actually realizing just what I had and how lucky I am to have it.  I realize I will not be in this house much longer unless things work out so I can buy it with my fiance, but I will make the most of every moment I am here.

Daily Devotionals Changed My Life

The requirement of regular meditation may well be the easiest of them all for me.  I have kept a regular practice of meditation and trance work for several years.  I meditate most days, keep my daily devotionals with only rare moments where I miss it, and frequently use drumming for trancing.  At this point, I actually can't imagine my life without it.

For almost a year now, I have been using Caitlin Matthews book Celtic Devotional.  I find it perfect for my needs. It's divided into seasons with the daily devotions appropriately adapted.  It includes devotions for both morning and evening, and changes each day of the week. Even further adaptations include a moment in the morning with a theme to meditate upon based on the day of the month.  Each evening also has a meditation moment ordered by day of the moon cycle. It goes further to include welcomes and farewells to the seasons as well as ideas for spiritual meditative activities each season.  

I ordered this book thinking it would simply be a way to help me get in the practice of having some sort of daily practice instead of being sporadic through the week.  Instead, it has brought me closer to focusing on what is really going on around me, paying closer attention to the natural world, more focus on the ancestors, and has led to an incredible way of grounding myself which has helped me to handle my chronic pain much better. 

My meditation has been quite varied, but I do practice it usually about 4 or 5 nights a week.  Often there is no particular purpose.  I generally just feel a blue healing light fill my entire body.  I can actually feel it pause and sort of  "fill in" any places where there are issues.  I have been using this method for at least a year and I have felt better than I have in a very long time.  Not only does it bring my awareness to any places in my body I am having problems with but did not realize (a frequent problem with the fibromyalgia and lupus), but I can feel myself healing in ways I did not before. This alone is cause for a frequent meditation practice.

I also enjoy practicing drumming trancework.  This is not a regular practice of mine, but it is an important part of my spiritual life.  I only do it when I feel the call.  Sometimes there is an actual purpose, other times an unidentifiable "something" lets me know it is time.  I have a variety of drums, including a small one I can sit in my lap easily while sitting on my bed.  These occurrences always lead to deep journeys and all sorts of important messages.  These I do not share unless they are meant for another person.  I have a small, private notebook specifically for these journeys and the information given to me.  It goes back about three years at this point and has near perfect accuracy.

In the end, although every part of my meditative practices have been extremely important, the daily devotionals have been the most important.  Without this book, I would never have begun the devotions.  I certainly would never have managed to make it into a habit.  My dailies have truly changed my life, and done so for the better! 

The Beginnings of My New Shrine

I have had an altar/shrine in my home for the last 2 decades. It has changed over the years as my own practice has changed and grown.  I am now on the journey to creating an altar that fits my new ADF practice.  So far, I have kept it pretty much as it had been. I wasn't worried.  I have learned over the years that when it is time for something to change, the means to do so will appear.

So far, I had been using a simple small clear glass bowl for the well and a matching one to hold the candle for my flame.  The World Tree was my first change towards a true ADF shrine. It is an actual tree. I was out underneath my beloved willow tree when I discovered a tiny cedar struggling to survive.  It was tangled in the roots in a place where it could hardly get any sun. It was fighting and looking so sick.  I decided to save it.  It now lives in a little pot and sits in my bedroom window where it greets the rising sun every day.  I move it to my altar when I need it, but otherwise, this is its new home. I am on the search for a bigger pot for it, but for now, the small white butterfly pot is big enough. One day, when I have a house of my own, it will be planted at the central point of my outdoor sacred site - perhaps the labyrinth my fiance and I plan to create.  Wherever it ends up, it will continue to be an important part of my practice.  

The past Thursday night, I was reading about the creation of the Home Shrine. I read a section about keeping an eye out in thrift stores if money is an issue. I am extremely poor, so most of my belongings come from thrift stores. I learned long ago what kind of treasures await the person willing to look.  I knew this is where I would find the next piece for my shrine.  Friday I was out with my best friend and my mom. Good fortune was with me!  I knew for the Well I wanted something unique and special. I also wanted something that evoked the feeling of a sacred well even when it didn't contain water.  I found for fifty cents a beautiful handmade pottery bowl.  It is swirled with shades of cream, pale green, and tan.  Looking into it feels like looking into an actual well.  Another piece has fallen into place.

I also found something that for me represents the ancestors. I discovered hidden on a shelf at Goodwill an amazing little vase created by a Sioux artist. It was a price I could afford and it "felt" right. It is about 4 or 5 inches tall with a rounded bottom and a small neck. it is brown except for the design in tan.  I normally don't like brown, so I was surprised at how strongly it called to me.  I realize that ADF focuses on Indo-European cultures, but I am hoping that this one piece will be allowed to be from a different tradition.  I learned so long ago to always go with any strong feelings. In this case, I KNEW the small little vase was meant to represent this part of my ancestry.

So this is the beginning.  All of these treasures are on a table I added a glossy green marbled top to and covered with a beautiful green/purple/gold scarf from India. There is no reason for the scarf other than it simply seemed like a good fit because it was obviously very special.  I am excited to see how else my shrine changes over the course of my studies!

The Fox's Path

Today I saw something amazingly rare for my area, and so very beautiful -- a red fox. That may not seem odd, but we so rarely have foxes here, yet now I have seen a massive grey one in the backyard one evening.  And today, in the middle of the afternoon, a large red one with earthy browns strongly streaking it's back came running across my front yard.  It took the time to pause and look over my way before wandering off to the neighbors.  I was immediately out afterward and it had simply disappeared.

I have to ask myself why.  I am outside of town, but while it is the country, there simply aren't any foxes here.  Certainly not of the size both of these were.  I think it is time for me to do some serious study into the significance of a fox appearing in a person's life.

I have found a few meanings in my research.  Since I have settled on a Celtic path, I feel those are the meanings to focus on.  First, I read a fox is meant to be a guide and is honored for its wisdom. It is also a guide in the spirit realm.  This makes sense to me.  I had just wanted to get deeper into the natural realm, and the fox matches this.  I also have a strong tie to the spirit realm and my own primary animal is the owl, another spirit realm creature.  

I also came across the fox teaching the lesson of invisibility.  The fox can be an indicator that it is time to sit back, be silent, and simply watch in order to learn.  I have heard of many instances where an individual was able to reach a point of focus where they could seem to disappear in a crowd or into their surroundings.  While I know this isn't something simple to do as in Harry Potter, I do believe it is possible.  Anything is possible.  I know there are people with amazing skills that are simply learned focus and practice working with the earth energies.  Perhaps this is one of those abilities.

Since I was a child and heard the stories of Druid and Native American shapeshifters, I have been fascinated. Perhaps some of the stories are about people who were strong in the ways of the fox and simply were able to appear to shift into their environment.  It is certainly something to think about...

Reading and thinking on all this, I have to consider the ability of patience as well.  After all, wisdom comes from the patience to take the time to study until you learn and then understand what you learn.  Patience is also needed to deal with both the natural realm and the spirit realm.  Even more, fox's gift of invisibility comes largely from the patience required to blend into its surroundings.  Without patience, none of the other gifts could manifest.

Overall, I find these lessons to be extremely timely and important.  They are reminders of exactly what I am needing to learn right now.  They are lessons to get me to where I wish my path to take me. I thank you, dear fox, for appearing in my life!

The Beauty of Meditating with Others

Last night my UU had a meditation group meeting.  They began while I was recovering from surgery, so this was my first chance to join them. Although it is new, it seems we may about to be without a place to continue meeting.  I suppose that whatever it takes to get people newly introduced to meditation is worth it! I was very much surprised to be the only attendee who has regularly meditated for a long time. I do hope they will continue with another local group now that they have discovered how wonderful it is. I am now so used to a solitary practice that I had forgotten how nice it can be when people of like mind join their energy together in a common purpose.  One thing really good about last night is that we all have the UU mindset, regardless of our personal faith, and we all know each other quite well. We blended into a beautiful harmony. 

The end result was an impassioned discussion about our life story.  Most members chimed in with stories of growing up that were less than happy. They finally concluded that we don't have to live the story that was written for us.  After a pause I spoke up that by the same token, we can create our own story.  If we don't like it, change it! If we want something else in life, we have to convince ourselves that we deserve it and it is possible. Once we do, we can take the steps to make it true.  The important thing is the belief.  If we don't believe we can have something, then we never will.  No one seemed to know how to take that view.

Finally, a friend that was sitting beside me asked that I explain a bit more in depth.  We ended up talking for about 30 minutes about creating it. She has an incredibly stressful life right now and is about to spend a year fighting to be granted tenure.  She has been depressed for months and only getting worse.  By the time we finished talking, she looked the most optimistic I had seen her in a long time.  I came home feeling good that I could help my friend. I don't like seeing her upset and I do my best to cheer her up whenever I can.  As part of my mental discipline training, I am getting in the habit of doing some sort of simple divination at the end to get any extra messages or insight into whatever topic had presented itself while meditating. Tonight I was drawn to my Goddess Guidance Oracle.

I drew Rhiannon.  My first thought was joy because the night before was when I decided to officially choose the Welsh culture as my primary.Then I read the message on the bottom - "You are a magical person who can manifest your clear intentions into reality." That is exactly what I was saying tonight! Then a thought hit me.  This is the card I kept drawing while I studied with my old wiccan church that shook up the HP so much.  I had forgotten how this was something I would hear in whispered conversations about me when I walked in the room. Perhaps it's simply because I understand this truth. Perhaps it is because knowing it gave me the strength to break away from a group that manipulates its members and requires inappropriate behavior between its clergy and students. Whatever the reason, I know that I will create a great life from myself because I KNOW I can and I KNOW it is possible!

Finding My Home

I have spent almost 20 years trying to figure out exactly what is my hearth culture. This gave me a bit of a leg up on Personal Spiritual Practice part of the DP requirement. For quite some time, I had been pulled in three directions - Native American, Celtic and Norse. All three are parts of my heritage, so I thought it made sense once I meditated about them. Over time, I realized this simply would not work. Working with three cultures is simply too many directions pulling me apart.  I couldn't focus well enough to devote myself to anything in particular.

In the end, I have decided to have one as my dedicated hearth culture and simply honor the other two. This is a decision many years in the making. It was far from easy. I finally simply looked back over the years of my studies to see what called the most and where I was the most comfortable. I have discovered it is the Welsh culture.  I suppose I shouldn't be surprised.  This entire journey since joining the ADF, though short so far, has been a process of going back to the beginning.

I began my life fascinated by the Druidic teachings that my grandfather had held on to from his family (not that he realized that's what they were). I have also always been interested in the Welsh part of my family.  I wish there had been more information kept in the family, but most of what had existed was lost.  With nothing to help from that direction, as soon as I had unlimited home internet access, I began to search for as much as I could find from that direction.

Since beginning my DP studies, I have discovered that the vast majority of the deities, views, and ways of accessing life are following the Welsh hearth. So, here I am, declaring Welsh as my hearth Culture. It feels really good to be able to say that!

My next step is to work on my High Holy days and develop a practice from the Welsh culture. My reading about the lore of each already confirms that I have made the right choice. I never realized these stories were all Welsh. I simply recognized them on a subconscious level. Perhaps these were part of the stories read to me as a child.  So many of the myths were my bedtime stories as a child. I consider it as yet another confirmation that I have finally found my home!

A Simple Devotional Moment

One of the earliest moments in my ADF journey that really showed me just how right this path is for me was the first time I performed the "First Druidic Working" on pages 29 and 30 of the DP manual. It has since become my simple devotion and moment of balancing several times a week. There is just one change from the book. The point where we are meant to pause to just feel I have started drawing a single card from whatever oracle deck calls to me. Just a simple moment to receive whatever guidance is meant for me.  This simple little ritual is becoming so very important to me and my practice. I doubt it will be much longer before I have it completely memorized simply from performing it so often.

There have been times where I felt the need for this devotion, but I was unable to be in a place where I could have the tools with me. This is simply a fact that comes with living with someone else. Fortunately, I am fully capable of performing the act fully through a meditation.  I can feel the wetness of the water on my finger. I can feel the heat of the candle flame warm my hand.  I can taste the sweetness of the drink upon my tongue. It is of course not the same as having the physical objects in front of me, but it does allow me to spend more time in my devotions than I could otherwise. It has the added benefit of helping me to train my mind even stronger.

I have noticed that the moment of reflection has helped me to figure out what my subconscious is dealing with as well as helping to offer guidance on how to resolve any problems that I am currently working through. Tonight I discovered something was bothering me that I didn't fully realize still affected me. Over the past few days, a toxic pagan group I managed to leave about a year ago had suddenly popped up in my life again. I didn't have any direct dealings with it or the members, but the situation did bring up some unresolved things from my time with them.  

I used the "Wisdom of the Hidden Realms" oracle deck.  Whenever it calls to me, it always helps me dive deeply into my psyche.  In this case, the issue popped up in my mind as I was handling the cards. I was certainly surprised to realize that was what had been bothering me! Then a card dropped out. The Prison Waif.  The general meaning of this card was that self-sabotaging beliefs were coming up, but I had the ability to move beyond them.

This was the absolute truth! As soon as these people pop up in my life, I will again let the feelings of not being good enough surface.  Even though I eventually learned this belief was pushed upon all the clergy-in-training as a way of control by the High Priest, I have not completely extracted the message.  These days, it usually is out of my mind.  Even so, it was a very difficult and somewhat traumatic leaving that will of course affect me for some time to come.  All at once I learned we were taught to believe such things because he wanted to "share energy" with the female students.  He wanted to make us all believe that without him we were nothing and could never progress forward. He wanted us to give over complete control of our lives to him (even to the point of requiring students to give up full custody of their children to ex-spouses or family members in order to become ordained).  Learning these secrets and many more was a lot of shock all at once and it took a lot of time to work through.  Even today I am stunned I didn't realize it all sooner

On one hand, drawing this card means that the issues popped up again. I wasn't really surprised.  This sort of healing takes time. On the other hand, I take this card to mean that I AM becoming successful in moving past. I AM managing to heal from the damage done by this man. I AM on the right path to a full recovery. Some may see this card as bad, but I see this card as cause for great optimism!!

Everything can be seen in a positive or negative light.  It simply depends on your point of view.  I do my best to always find something positive, even in a bad experience.  It has greatly changed my life including making a life with chronic health issues not so bad. I will take this message from tonight's devotion as a good one.  After all, each time I deal with the damage left behind I heal from it a bit more.  I have seen others try to leave but go back to him because they came to believe the damage as the only way to exist.  I am confident that each time I grieve a little more I will learn a little to move beyond it all a little more. One day they will no longer have the ability to hurt me.  That is the day I will be able to fully look back upon the lessons I learned as beneficial - even when the lesson is the warning signs to watch for.

Nature and the Path to Sulis

The Nature Attunement paper may be the requirement I most look forward too. After all, nature has been a major part of my spiritual practice pretty much my entire life.  Even as a child, the one place I truly felt the touch of the divine was in the woods behind the house.  I will forever be grateful to my grandpa for that.

When reading the relevant chapter in the Manual, the first thing that stands out to me is the point of getting to know the Gods and Goddesses of the forest. I realize the context of the paragraph was more of a time when there was plenty of untamed nature, but I think it is still fully relevant. After all, how can we as Druids have a truly deep practice without some sort of connection to nature deities? Even if a person thinks of it more as just the connection to the Universe or the Divine within, it is still a connection to the special otherworldliness that is found in nature.

I will say, in this day and age I feel we need to find out what nature deities call to us.  Sometimes, for whatever reason, the local ones simply don't speak to us.  That's not to say we shouldn't honor them, but perhaps we need to find out who does call us. Who knows? Perhaps an ancestral deity has already laid claim to us or needs us. Perhaps we made a vow to a particular deity that carried over beyond a previous life. Maybe it is something else that we can't quite understand.  All I know is that I have seen time and time again that some people have some sort of tie to some deity that can't be explained, but cannot be denied.

I have long had a feeling there was a specific goddess out there who was simply waiting for the right time to call.  I have had close feelings for several, and my work with them strongly leads me to believe that in previous lives I have been devoted to them.  I will always have a tie, but I knew there was someone else this time around that was waiting and watching.  I also knew that She was waiting for the time I was finally on the proper path of druidic studies.  I can't say how I knew. I just did.  I've known since I was young that I would one day end up here. 

Two days ago, I finally heard the call.  I was in the shower with my hands under the running water waiting for it to warm up when I felt hands cradling mine. I stood up and there I saw her. I knew nothing about her other than her name was Sulis. That is all She would say to me. I have since learned she is a Celtic Goddess of sacred springs and likely with the sun as her sacred waters in Bath are quite warm. It clicked. I have had an obsession with sacred wells and springs for years as well as the need for very warm water in order to feel the sacred connection.  It finally makes sense!  

I've seen a few places saying there is a connection between her and owls. Yet another sign. About a year ago, I suddenly had a light interest in them turn into a near obsession.  Of course, I can look back and see signs over and over.  I even have a bag of owl feathers from one that was injured and died on the steps of an old meeting hall that were gifted to me.  The lady who gave them to me only said she knew I would need them.  She even made me a smudging fan from the feathers. I decided not long ago that the feather would need to go on my staff and my ritual drum.  Sign after sign after sign, and they all pointed to Her.

I did a massive search for her online. I found so many images that resonated on a soul-deep level. There were no more doubts. I had finally found Her! I recently joined the Naturalists Guild.  The Mystic track grabbed me as soon as I read it and no matter what else I read or how much time passed between perusals, I couldn't get it out of my mind.  Again, it now makes perfect sense. I can feel it will be tied into my path with Her.

I know that my journey to develop a closer relationship to nature will take time, but that's what makes it exciting.  My current project is to learn the species of trees in my area.  I've already discovered a few.  I didn't expect to enjoy it so much.  I want to learn more about the local herbs next, but I am still trying to memorize these trees and the different ways they look. It will be my next exciting project.  I am happier with my life than I think I have ever been before.  I KNOW that I have finally arrived where I am meant to be!

journeyingtothegoddess.wordpress.com/2012/05/27/goddess-sulis/

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sulis

Handbook of Urban Druidry

For some time now I have been a reviewer for Moon Books.  Recently they sent me a batch of books on Druidry.  This is the first - The handbook of Urban Druidry by Brendan Howlin. I like to read as many different perspectives as possible, so I am interested in this book especially.  Why am I including this review in my DP journal? I have seen mentioned several times we should make notes on any extra books we read.  For me, I am taking it  a step further to add my own thoughts so I can use this entry as something I can look back on as I learn and grow throughout my studies.

Learning to see - The main thing in this chapter that struck me was to pay attention to the little things. Most people in my life constantly are staring at their phones or tablet. They miss so much that is amazing in this world! I not only don't own a phone with internet access, but the more time I spend in my studies, the less time I want to spend online. I am an ebay seller, so I have little choice about being on my computer. I keep facebook up for a few people to contact me when they need to since I rarely have my phone on me, yet I spend little time actually messing around online. I am glad that time keeps getting less and less.  These days, most of my personal time with the computer is spent playing my music collection, reading ebooks and educational articles, and for personal conversation with non-local friends.  I feel that if I am going to be on my computer, I should make the time count!

Learning to relax - Example, watch less tv.  OK, this is something else I can go along with.  Yes, I do have some favorite shows and they are not all educational. Yet I have reached a point where I have no problem watching them at my convenience on demand or online.  However, I can understand the need for a television.  I used to be a very lonely person.  I did have a number of shows I HAD to see on time every week. Yes, I would get stressed about it. They were a major part of my life and if I missed one, I felt like I had missed time with good friends. I am so glad that is no longer the case.

I didn't actually realize how much I had changed regarding tv until I sat down and started typing this journal entry. These days, I often prefer to watch my favorite shows late at night on demand.  It allows me to live life without worrying about such things and I watch less crappy tv simply because there's nothing on that night, yet the tv is still on for companionship.  I admit, I still have it on a lot in the background since I am home all day.  Yet my choices are different and it's not such a focus. I've also noticed my viewing choices have changed. No more crime shows like CSI. Absolutely no true crime is ever turned on outside of the nightly news.  I prefer a pleasant comedy to make me smile or a thought-provoking sci fi/fantasy show that gets me considering things outside the box. Watching syfy channel has led to some interesting meditation focus points.  

My main problem with this chapter is the discussion on meditation. Yes, I agree it is very important. However, not only does the book do an awful job of explaining it (by giving quick vague tips that won't work for most people) but it doesn't really explain why it is beneficial other than "to help you relax".  I can't see the spiritual seeker wanting to add it to their practice based if this happened to be their introduction.

Getting in tune with the seasons - ahh. Now we're getting somewhere. This is vital for a Druid! I'm glad the book is getting along into a bit deeper practises. I have found this to be helpful for any person on a spiritual path, regardless of their particular faith.  I have seen in my students over the years that this helps decrease depression, increase joy and help with a personal healing practice.

Wait. I was wrong. Using this practice "to impress your friends" should NOT be the primary motivation for a Druid! Hmm.. that was about all the 3 page chapter said. I admit to being disappointed.  There is so much that could have been said!

Living the wheel of the year - As my other journal entries have explained, this is a very important part of my practice.  I didn't expect much after the last chapter, but this actually has some decent ideas for people who are new to the concept. Even for people who have followed this way of living for many years, we can never have too many ideas.  I truly believe that no matter how experienced we are at something, we can never learn too much.  In this case, I have "lived the wheel" for almost 20 years now.  Yet I never pass up a chance at more ideas on celebrations and working with seasonal energies. After all, there are as many perspectives as there are individuals. I currently teach classes on spirituality at my UU church.  This leads me to reading plenty of beginner books as I am working on lesson plans.  I can't even count how many times one of these books has led to some idea to enhance my practice. This ended up being one of those times.  Even if this is all I gain from this book, I will be able to say I found something of value.

Personal Responsibility - This is a topic I frankly think should be taught everywhere to every group of people at every age, especially in any type of studies about spirituality. Too often in today's society, people blame everyone else for their own behavior.  No matter what they do, no matter what the reason, somehow it wasn't their fault.  I am 37 and I most often hear from others my age that poor behavior isn't their fault because they had a bad childhood, a bad marriage, or an absent parent.  I had all those things, yet I take responsibility for my actions. These are not legitimate excuses, yet society tells us they are. 

Two days ago a young white man went into a black church, sat through service with them, and then pulled a gun killing 9 people. All over the news "experts" keep explaining why it wasn't his fault, even though he planned it for 6 months and had a manifesto written where he considered and dismissed other mass murder plans before deciding on this. A murderer of 9 people who had attempted to kill everyone, yet it supposedly wasn't his fault. This is a drastic, yet well-publicised example of needing to teach personal responsibility.

I was pleased to see a chapter on the topic here until I read it. The first sentence insults men as wanting to run from the "r" word. It eventually devolves into discussing aliens and conspiracy theories. The occasional good point is detracted from by the insults and silliness. Well, at least the topic is here...

Living a longer happier life - This chapter is a page and a half saying to put small stresses on the body to make it stronger, and that is the key to being happy. As a person with major auto-immune disorders and chronic pain, I have nothing to say on this chapter. 

Living lightly on the land - Another lesson we so desperately need today!  Landfills, toxic waste, littering, disposable everything... the planet can't keep on taking all this. If we want to leave a place for our descendants to live, things must change! I'm disappointed that this chapter really just discussed the annoyance of having a small allotment for a garden and that a person shouldn't "whine and procrastinate".  I consider this another missed opportunity!

Expectations - This is just over a page telling us the more we expect, the more we are disappointed. I'm sad to say that my first thought was this book.  I can already tell that what little is helpful in here isn't enough for me to recommend this or teach from it.  I doubt I will ever read it again.

Environmental awareness - A discussion on being depressed from friends not contacting you is how this begins. I'm starting to think the chapter titles are random. This was one page, one, that ends with saying we need to do things for others.  I absolutely agree with that stance, but I have no idea what that has to do with the title, especially since the word "tree-hugging" is in the first sentence. Regardless of the title, yes, we should do things for others.  I mean do it for THEIR benefit, not just to feel like you are better than others. 

I have noticed a trend among far too many volunteers of using thier hours as a way of proving superiority. I have had times in my lif where I needed assistance.  I can say from first-hand experience that having someone help you while having a smug look on thier face just makes you feel even worse. Most individuals needing assistance would rather be anywhere else than in that line asking for help. A kind smile makes us feel a little more human while the smug reactions only serve to make us feel worse about a situation we can do nothing about.

This is another topic I wish we would teach our children.  Imagine how our society would change if we did things for others simply to help them.  We would mow an elderly neighbor's lawn just to help them, not in the hopes they will feel guilty and pay us. Children learned the value of community service in a food bank, animal shelter, community garden or just helping in their neighborhood. What a better world this would be!  When I received notice that my Compassionate Membership gets extended only if I do community service, I thought that was a wonderful requirement!

Medicine and Herbs - Herbalism has called to me for years.  I love how nature can heal us as long as we care for it in return.  What a lovely relationship!  I had even considered joining the Healers Guild for a time, but in the end, the Naturalists won out.  Every time my grandfather takes me to his herb garden or out in the woods to teach me about medicinal plants I am even more grateful that I am lucky enough to have family who still understands this amazing gift.

I will readily admit this chapter hit a hot-button topic for me. My issue with this chapter is the focus on being ill for "attention, sympathy, and to manipulate others". Sufferers of chronic illnesses specifically are used as an example.  I am one of those, and I certainly DO NOT use my illness for any of those reasons! Most people don't even have a clue how sick and in pain I generally am.   Only those closest to me can tell the signs, such as the growing flushing across my chest being a sign I am fighting to handle the pain. Attitudes such as in this book are why I still have not been approved for disability.  No matter how many doctors say I am in bad shape, all that is seen is my age.  This author seems determined to insult just about every audience likely to read this book, except for able-bodied, hard-working, career-minded moms.

Then we reach Part 2 "The Advanced Stuff" which is an explanation of the OBOD. At this point I will end personal opinion simply because I don't want to look back on this entry at a later date and let it affect my opinion of the OBOD.  Nor am I going to risk pissing anyone off who may personally know the author.  That being said, the author may be an amazing person and incredible teacher.  We have to remember that everyone's skills lie in different areas.  I am apparently a great teacher (or so my students frequently tell me). The church's attendance  more than doubling in the past 6 months by individuals who state they are coming primarily for my classes indicate there is truth to that statement, but that doesn't mean I'm a great writer.  An ok writer, sure, but my illnesses lead to clarity issues that makes me no longer that good of a writer. There is nothing wrong with that. We all have different gifts. That is what makes the world so amazing!!

The Joyous Summer Solstice!

I am still in the process of moving things over from my old journal, but it didn't seem right to be writing about the spring when the solstice is tomorrow.  That will be for later.

So, tonight is the eve of the Solstice.  It's a bittersweet day here in Arkansas.  I've always enjoyed the dark half of the year more, as in the half when the days get shorter.  For me, it's the half of calming, of setting into motion and finishing all the things I spent the last six months planning. Yet here in the South, it is also the day signaling that horrid heat is about to hit. Next week we will finally be in the upper 90s with the heat index over 100 degrees. While in Colorado I didn't dread the Solstice so much. The oppressive heat was rare and we could actually enjoy the summer.  Here, not so much.  

The heat, the humidity, all of it combines to make the summer horrible for me. My fibromyalgia and lupus begin to flare pretty much every day if I go outdoors.  I love to be outside, so this is the most difficult time for me. I so often have to enjoy nature through the window.

It may not be ideal, but I still can see so much! Lucky for me, I live in the country and I have a wonderful view of nature.  I saw the first baby bird at my feeders this week.  The petunias are blooming. Other things I see this time of year:  the rains tend to stop (this year just days before the solstice), the floods around the local farmlands finally dry up.  The wildfires spread beyond California.  

Part of my personal practice is to pay attention to the changes around me.  No matter the climate, there is a fairly regular cycle of changes during the year. I recently wrote a paper about healing work with the Shadow Side and I realized, part of that healing is to work with these changes.  I no longer pay such close attention to the "standard" markers of the 8 High Days as they are explained in books. I am instead learning to work with my own part of the world.  For me, being in tune with home IS healing.   

Part of the purpose for this journal is to keep a written record from year to year.  I have even tagged it so I can keep them organized. I have always had two particular areas I was most drawn to in paganism - the elements and the Wheel of the Year. I have files and files of songs, recipes, seasonal crafts and so on. However, it never occurred to me to keep my personal record. Instead, I just remembered things I notice. I look forward to being able to look back on this in future years and see my notes.

And so... may all be blessed with joy, prosperity, and the courage to make the coming months the best possible!  Blessings of the Solstice upon all!

Reflections on the Wheel of the Year and Its Beautiful Journey

I have lived in a city of over 3 million, and I have have lived in the country on 30 acres of woodland. In my life, I have seen the wheel of the year in many climates, in many sized towns and in many states.  When I was young I took the things I watched for granted.  Of course, I never dreamed I would start moving to larger and larger cities until finally ending up in Denver!  Now I am back, not far from where I started.  

As I read the section on the High Holy Days and how they began as agrarian days, yet celebrated in cities such as Rome, I couldn't help but think on my life.  I began with a country family, half of whom farmed and still do today. I didn't fully embrace the pagan life until later. Of course, I had no way of knowing that what I believed was something that people used to practice as their religion and that many still do.  I was extremely isolated and often thought I was just strange.  I kept all of this secret until college, even going so far as to be the "good little Christian girl" complete with my own Bible and all the books I was "supposed" to have to make my Christian studies better. I didn't believe what all I read or heard in church, but I was there.  Here in the South, that is all that matters.

Now I am happily, and openly, pagan. What a difference! I admit I generally just use that word when explaining to people, simply because around here no matter what word you use, people will ask "you mean Wiccan, right?" and I can explain the differences if they are interested.  Otherwise, the responses are much worse. For some reason, in my town the term Druid freaks people out even more than pagan. Of course, it doesn't matter what people call me. I know the truth of my path and that is all that matters.

I have spent my whole life focused on the turning wheel. Even as a child, I could tell you whatever you wanted to know about the seasonal changes and when they happened.  Now I have lived in a variety of places, from the Deep South to the Rocky Mountains.  I have learned how different it can be. Yet no matter where I live, no matter the climate, there are clear changes with each season.  I came to enjoy the special touches that happened in each place. For years I have decorated my house to match the seasons and bring the joy of the turning wheel into my home. It has become a part of my practice of honoring the changes around me.

Now that I am living once again where I originally started, I can look back on the beauty of each place I lived when I think on the Holy Days. I truly think this will enhance my studies and reflections as I work on that part of the requirements.  So many people only have one perspective of the seasonal changes.  Thanks to my wanderlust, I have been privileged to see it in many ways.

The First Oath

I decided early on that I wanted to use the Wheel of the Year as a way of working through my DP.  I usually like to do things my own way, but when I glanced through the guide it resonated quite strongly. It actually followed along fairly well with the way I wanted to go about things. At this point I was already having a lot of trouble finding and keeping a study buddy.  I let them approach me, so I was quite surprised, but so be it.

As I move things over to this journal, I am putting them in order of the guide.  For myself, as I go back through these initial tottering steps, it simply makes more sense.  This was written several weeks in.  I forgot to date it, so I can't say exactly when.  I only know it was probably a month and a half to two months in the program, even though this was actually the second week in the guide.

It is difficult for me to make oaths.  I take them quite seriously.  A previous organization I was  a part of made us take oaths at different stages in our studies and they pushed very heavily for us to make them to their group.  I have issue with that.  After all, a person may get going in a program of study and discover that it is simply not for them.  In my case, once I got higher up I discovered they had beliefs and practices that seriously violated my code of ethics.  So I left.  If I hadn't fund a way to slip by and make my oath to the Gods instead of their church I would have been in serious trouble!

As a result, I kept postponing this section. I don't feel bad about it in the least.  After all, this is something that should be taken seriously!  Then, one not so special day, I sat down to reread what I had written so far about my short journey with the ADF to make absolutely sure this was the right path for me. The following journal entry was the result.

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I realize I still have not completed my first oath.  That was several weeks ago, but I find this is too important to undertake lightly.  I am taking the time to get into the studies and really think about it. There is so much I want to say, yet I can't quite put it all into words. I am doing a lot of reading and thinking.

I can say this -
I want to live my life in a better way.
I want to live more authentic to who I am.
I want to live a life that better honors the Gods, the Ancestors, and all others who guide me and help to preserve the natural world

Here I will rework the example given:
"I, Jennifer, declare myself to be a Pagan, a seeker of the Old Ways, a worshiper of the Elder Gods.
With this holy oath I set my foot upon the path, the Druid's Way, and I vow to make my dedication plain.
I vow to seek virtue in my life, to do right by my kin, my friends and my community, I vow to make my Paganism real, by keeping the rites and works that call to me.
I vow to deepen my understanding of the Ways through study to fill my mind with the truth of the Elder Paths.
These things I swear to the Gods, with those gathered here as my witnesses. So be it."

I suppose this actually works as is.  I guess I just needed time to really give it thought.  This is it.  This is my oath.

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Tonight I finally completed the Oathing Ritual. Even though it has been about a month since the above entry, I had a feeling I needed to wait to complete it.  I can't give any reason other than just a "feeling".  It didn't occur to me until I was almost done that tonight is a new moon.  I look back and see I wrote the above entry after the last one.  Perhaps that is why I needed to wait.

It has been a long time since I felt the connection that I felt in this simple ritual.  I felt the tie to all that I spoke to.  I felt like I was aligning myself with the Universal energies.  I felt RIGHT.

I had thought I would always be called to my Druidcraft cards or my handmade runestones for the divination part.  Instead, I used my Wisdom of the Hidden Realms Oracle deck.  I believe the cards were quite good!

Ancestors card - The Winged Wise Ones (angelic help & miraculous aid) - I made sure to honor all my ancestors tonight.  The known blood ones by name.  the unknown blood.  The cultural blood.  The ancestors of my home.  It felt like the right thing to do and this card indicates to me that it was appreciated and I can call on them in the future knowing my voice will be heard.












Nature Spirits card - The Metal King (discipline, armor & boundaries) - I realize this could be interpreted different ways, but what immediately came to me was that the nature spirits I have worked with so often in the past are willing to help me with these aspects that I tend to have difficulty holding strong.  Discipline I generally do well with, but strong armor and healthy boundaries not so much.  I see the Spirits as ideal for these subjects, although I can't say exactly why.  All I can say is "thank you".

Deities card - The Altar Priestess (preparation, prayer & sacred ritual) -  aaahhh... What better card could I have drawn? My calling is to the priestesshood, so this card is the absolute best I could have pulled!  All I could feel at the time was confirmation that I was indeed meant for that path.  How perfect!














Right now I feel better than I have in a very long time.  I feel strong, secure and loved.  I KNOW beyond any doubt that I am exactly where I am meant to be and that my future is as clergy.  I know that I will have challenges.  My health doesn't leave much doubt in that.  However, I am learning to use the lessons tackled during a life with auto-immune issues and chronic pain to bring me closer to the Gods and to teach others how to be more spiritual.  I already am teaching Religious Education and, according to my students, doing an excellent and inspired job.  I am working to stop doubting myself.  After all, about once a month they make a point of telling me so many wonderful things they have gained from my teachings. Each time another doubt crumbles away.

I know I was steered towards the ADF for I had searched many years to find a true druidic organization I could be part of.  Whoever brought me here... THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!