One of the earliest moments in my ADF journey that really showed me just how right this path is for me was the first time I performed the "First Druidic Working" on pages 29 and 30 of the DP manual. It has since become my simple devotion and moment of balancing several times a week. There is just one change from the book. The point where we are meant to pause to just feel I have started drawing a single card from whatever oracle deck calls to me. Just a simple moment to receive whatever guidance is meant for me. This simple little ritual is becoming so very important to me and my practice. I doubt it will be much longer before I have it completely memorized simply from performing it so often.
There have been times where I felt the need for this devotion, but I was unable to be in a place where I could have the tools with me. This is simply a fact that comes with living with someone else. Fortunately, I am fully capable of performing the act fully through a meditation. I can feel the wetness of the water on my finger. I can feel the heat of the candle flame warm my hand. I can taste the sweetness of the drink upon my tongue. It is of course not the same as having the physical objects in front of me, but it does allow me to spend more time in my devotions than I could otherwise. It has the added benefit of helping me to train my mind even stronger.
I have noticed that the moment of reflection has helped me to figure out what my subconscious is dealing with as well as helping to offer guidance on how to resolve any problems that I am currently working through. Tonight I discovered something was bothering me that I didn't fully realize still affected me. Over the past few days, a toxic pagan group I managed to leave about a year ago had suddenly popped up in my life again. I didn't have any direct dealings with it or the members, but the situation did bring up some unresolved things from my time with them.
I used the "Wisdom of the Hidden Realms" oracle deck. Whenever it calls to me, it always helps me dive deeply into my psyche. In this case, the issue popped up in my mind as I was handling the cards. I was certainly surprised to realize that was what had been bothering me! Then a card dropped out. The Prison Waif. The general meaning of this card was that self-sabotaging beliefs were coming up, but I had the ability to move beyond them.
This was the absolute truth! As soon as these people pop up in my life, I will again let the feelings of not being good enough surface. Even though I eventually learned this belief was pushed upon all the clergy-in-training as a way of control by the High Priest, I have not completely extracted the message. These days, it usually is out of my mind. Even so, it was a very difficult and somewhat traumatic leaving that will of course affect me for some time to come. All at once I learned we were taught to believe such things because he wanted to "share energy" with the female students. He wanted to make us all believe that without him we were nothing and could never progress forward. He wanted us to give over complete control of our lives to him (even to the point of requiring students to give up full custody of their children to ex-spouses or family members in order to become ordained). Learning these secrets and many more was a lot of shock all at once and it took a lot of time to work through. Even today I am stunned I didn't realize it all sooner
On one hand, drawing this card means that the issues popped up again. I wasn't really surprised. This sort of healing takes time. On the other hand, I take this card to mean that I AM becoming successful in moving past. I AM managing to heal from the damage done by this man. I AM on the right path to a full recovery. Some may see this card as bad, but I see this card as cause for great optimism!!
Everything can be seen in a positive or negative light. It simply depends on your point of view. I do my best to always find something positive, even in a bad experience. It has greatly changed my life including making a life with chronic health issues not so bad. I will take this message from tonight's devotion as a good one. After all, each time I deal with the damage left behind I heal from it a bit more. I have seen others try to leave but go back to him because they came to believe the damage as the only way to exist. I am confident that each time I grieve a little more I will learn a little to move beyond it all a little more. One day they will no longer have the ability to hurt me. That is the day I will be able to fully look back upon the lessons I learned as beneficial - even when the lesson is the warning signs to watch for.
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